So, I had to settle for a 2nd place in the limerick death match put on by Poetry in Motion. Michael Gray, a regular on the Wellington Slam scene was on form and the clear winner. The 3rd round was written on the spot and I was stunned at his polished spew. :)
I want to share my limericks somewhere, so here they are.
1st Round (best of 5)
There once was a spry octogenarian
who always brought his girl to the planetarium
she said to add spice
something different would be nice
so he nailed her at the aquarium
We all know of the wizard of fire
He was someone I used to admire
it’s somewhat baffling
his fetish for halflings
His pants come down in the shire
Once out to sea during Christmas
composing a limerick for his young miss
The poet said "Fuck it!
Turn this crate to Nantucket
Where they shit better limericks than this!"
Inside the playboy’s lair
you can’t find a single chair
Rather instead
it is covered in beds
For all the orgies in there
I am certainly very well bred
and more than a wizard in bed
you may not agree
but it’s not up to me
It’s just something your mother said
2nd round (best of 3)
A gambler who could never lose
Went for a Las Vegas shmooze
He was set up for life
Considered a wife
Then blew it on hookers and booze
There was a girl named Janine
Who said limericks should always be clean
No talking about cocks
with a whole bunch of jocks
Or nasty orgies with the queen
There once was a man from Guelph
Who saw a girl through a library shelf
Despite his advances
She was taking no chances
And he was forced to service himself
Final Round (best of 3 - ideas from the audience)
(toe fungus)
Some think toe fungus is cool
There is something I learned in school
If you eat toe fungus
there will be coughing among us
It's just one of those sciency rules
(mattress)
I once knew a man named Ted
Who owned a heart shaped bed
It wasn’t a hit
girls didn’t like it a bit
They fall off when getting head
(your competition)
We love to hear this poet each day
He serves up humour on a tray
He talks about second chances
And most hairy romances
It’s 50 shades of Michael Gray
dirtiest limerick contest
There was a male antequarian
Who recently became a pescatarian
He said, "That means I eats fish.
It’s my favourite dish."
as he went down on the librarian
Unused:
There was a fat man in a sleigh
Who was lazy except for one day
The poor elves slaved
but had a brainwave
The sleigh blew up over Bombay
What’s it like to throw down a gauntlet?
It’s very like a testosterone faucet
Two men fell in love
with the same, little dove
Her, she’d rather just fall in chocolate
There was a man from away
Who had a glorious toupee
And by hades
it made him hot with the ladies
It’s really too bad he was gay
There was a young drunk named Moore
Who woke to find his wife out the door
He was dazed and confused
At being so abused
But he’d swapped her for a pint just before
He suffered from great bouts of jealousy
And stopped at all acting sensibly
she started to stare
and was out of there
He was ‘marking his territ’ry’ literally
There was a young man named Scottie
Who found that his clothes were all spotty
He shed all his clothes
Right down to his toes
I bet you thought this line would be naughty
He thought that her eyes said come hither
And he was attracted to her womanly figure
But when push came to shove
It should have fit like a glove
But his most manly limb did just wither
There once was a stately young moron
Whose favourite element was boron
Be believed in the truth
even past his youth
But to him, thinking; an oxymoron
There was a young woman named Ali
In the footsteps of Taylor Mali
Said, I know what I’ll do
A poem I will spew
A most effective verbal volley
Some guys I know lost their friendship
Of course it was all sex-centric
The two competed for a girl
all lovely brown curls
She said, I want both, I’m eccentric
Put your rod to the sky for a lightning bolt
I will be talking over million volts
you realize real quick
I mean the end of your dick
And you’ll be in for a massive jolt
